As in every other aspect of life as a couple, things go along much faster and more smoothly if spouses basically agree on goals and means. So what’s a person who sees a need to prep to do when a Very Important Person in their life does not see the value? What do you do with the reluctant spouse?
Find out why Spouse is reluctant
There are lots of reasons why a person might be reluctant to prep for potential disaster. Knowing what’s driving it in your favorite human is well worth the time and effort. Sometimes to figure this out … all you have to do is ask.
If I may send a special note to the men out there: Men, it’s truly admirable and in some ways quite charming how dedicated guys can be to rescuing women they care about; so I’m in no way going to speak badly about that drive.
Please keep in mind though that women, on average, are more focused on communication prior to jumping right in and ‘fixing stuff’. Many of us also find it especially charming when you take the time to help us feel heard and understood. If you open this conversation, please let her really get her thoughts out and let you know you heard and understand before you jump in with the solutions and counter-arguments. Might even be worth it to separate the ‘hearing and understanding’ and ‘offering counter-arguments’ into two separate conversations. That way it feels less like the question was just a ploy to get an opening to start the fixing.
Watch for camouflage
Ah, how much easier life would be if people would just say what they mean all the time. That’s not this world though.
And I’ve gotta admit, women are worse about this than men, on average; perhaps because it’s often used as a strategy to reduce conflict. If you reasonably address what your spouse says is the objection and said spouse resists anyway, perhaps there’s some camouflage going on: The spouse is listing what seems to be a more defensible reason than the real one. Sometimes the spouse doesn’t even realize the misdirection’s going on. When we don’t want to think about something, it’s easy to make up excuses as to why we shouldn’t think about it. Fear especially can lead people into this avoidance strategy.
You understand the objection: Now What?
There are three general approaches to get someone else to buy in on your point of view….and you do want buy in rather than sullen quiet resistance or some other unpleasantness in the household, I’m pretty sure. Mix and match for your situation:
The avalanche only has a hope if your spouse has an open enough mind. Address the key objections fairly, but convincingly. Not sure how? A companion post, The Reluctant Spouse, Part II will follow this one shortly and share some ideas.
Erosion takes time, but it’s taken down some very impressive mountains. In this approach, you take opportunities to add to your argument as life presents opportunities. Is your spouse reading about the stories of hurricane evacuees and their problems getting gas? Hey spouse, wouldn’t it be so much less stressful if *we* need to evacuate if we had a couple of cans of gas ready in the garage, and a bag with travel necessities? (If using these openings causes Spouse’s nostrils to flare and ears to smoke, you might be going a little heavy-handed.)
Be the Change is one of my favorite approaches to life in general. If you think ‘people aught to’ do a thing…well, you’re people too, so you can make a start at it. I would not recommend hiding your prepping from your spouse. We prep in part to not lose what’s important to us, yes? That should include people. But in most relationships there are areas where one spouse leaves the other to do their own thing; and you can make prepping your thing. When it comes in handy (our preps do all the time) and/or when your spouse sees you really value it, Spouse might join in. If not, you’re better off than if neither made an effort.
Continue on in the series by reading Part II HERE (CLICKY) and listening to the accompanying Podcast HERE (CLICKY)
I’m very guilty on this one…guilty of both using questions as a segue and avanch(ing). I work on our land, you see, and my wife is a civil service administrator; I handle all the money except her expense account, so sometimes I get ahead of myself. We struggle at times, and I get paranoid at times. This has been good (keeping us above water financially) and bad (investing in my ideas for the future((like prepping)).
When you say, “We can’t afford a vacation”, in answer to your wife’s question, then buy a case of 00buck, sometimes bridging the gap in short vs. long term goals becomes a good idea. Sometimes, bridging that gap is an ambush by your spouse that you’re completely unprepared for. This happens to me to.
I look forward to some advice on this one 🙂
Why be ‘Reluctant’ to simply ignore the dummy spouse that doesn’t want to prep, for whatever reason they may give. Ridding your life of “The Reluctants” is without question the most important prepping decision one can make. Everything about survival hinges on having like minded people on the team. One (delteted, we are a G rated site) in the mix and it’s over when the lights go out. thanks
If being more prepared in a potential future is more important to you than your relationship with the reluctant person you’re sharing your life with, that’s certainly an option. In my own case, I’m spending my life right now with people I care about and value. If push came to shove, I’d keep these people in my life and accept the risks of being less prepared. (I don’s say unprepared, as there’re things everyone can do even with the most reluctant significant other.) . These posts are offered for those in a similar boat: Unwilling to lose the relationship and willing to try some things to keep (maybe strengthen) the relationship while improving the prepping situation.
In that “camouflage” vein, a prepper-spouse also has to recognize the unfortunate baggage attached to the prepper image — tinfoil hats and such. Few spouses want their mate to be a looney. If the reluctant spouse has equated ANY prep as a sign of looney-dom, it won’t matter how gently it’s presented. For such a spouse, any mention of societal collapse or super-volcanos will only reinforce the looney image.
Much better, as you suggest, to make the extra gas in the shed a just-in-case for evacuation. Extra ammo: because it was on sale (hard to argue with sales) and it’s good to practice (not for zombies). Some freeze-dried meals in case you lose power right before supper time.
Focus on the practical solutions to plausible problems, not the worst case nightmares. That’s just looney talk.
— Mic
Thanks for the advice, Spice!
I’ve started to quietly assemble a bug-out bag for Mermaid. Last weekend I got another shipment of preps from Amazon. Mermaid wanted to see what I got. I explained what it was and how we could use it when we go camping or take a trip. She looked it up on the computer and an Amazon advertisement appeared. She commented on how cool the thing was. I replied, “I happen to have purchased you one of those. Let me go get it.” After she examined the 4 items I purchased, she pulled out a cotton ball and said, “Can you make this catch fire?” I said, “Watch this” and went to get the ferro rod I previously purchased for her a couple of months ago. She was amazed how easy it was to make a fire in a bowl on our coffee table. She sort of lit up like our Little Mermaid.
Mermaid officially has 2 preps. We still don’t discuss the topic of prepping. For now we just call it “camping” gear.
Oh, crap! I just realized Little Mermaid now knows how to make fire, too. Now I have to figure out where all the ferro rods are and hide them with the things that go bang.