Paranoid Prepper: The Jersey Boys

Paranoid’s Security System.  Guarding the food dish.  😊

The Jersey Boys:

When I set out to write this series, I found that among the “defined terms” for this site was “The Boys”, meant to refer to household pets.  Consequently, I need to tell my faithful readers, both of them, about “The Jersey Boys”.

One of the issues with my Mutual Assistance Group (MAG) is the 20 people are likely to show up with dogs, . . . lots of dogs.  I did a dog census and realized that I not only had to worry about 20 people, but also 9 dogs, and not a Chihuahua in the bunch.  It seems everyone loves dogs, but not cats.  Some of my MAG members have multiple dogs, no preps, but plenty of dogs.  I can’t grow chickens here, but dogs seem to thrive in the People’s Republic of New Jersey.  At least we won’t need an alarm system.  If even one dog senses something, they all go off.

I’d like a dog like John Wick’s dog, but alas I have a particularly ordinary dog, so no joy there.

The Prepper fiction I’ve read seems to have people turning their dogs loose, which then form packs, which add to the chaos in the post-apocalyptic world.  Getting folks in my MAG to turn their dogs loose would be difficult.  The Jersey Boys probably wouldn’t leave.  They like it here.  If I actually prepare for these dogs, then I will need one large bag of dog food, per month, per dog.  What is that in dog years?  That is 108 large bags of dog food for a year, . . . people years.  At two cu. ft. per bag that adds 216 cu. ft. to my storage problem.    I wonder how much will fit in a Suburban with flat tires?  (Hint: 2 Suburbans and I’ll have the storage I need for dog food.)

I have yet to see long term storage dog food, good for 25 years or more, but I haven’t seen a 25 year old dog either.  I only have one dog.  It’s my MAG that creates this issue.  If I buy 108 bags of dog food, how am I going to rotate the stuff?

Finally, 9 dogs in one house?  This place is going to be crowded as it is.  9 dogs!

Since none of these dogs is particularly well trained, I figure they will give us something to do while we wait for the fallout to decay, or the pandemic to burn out, or whatever Murphy sent our way.  We’ll feed them the 216 cu.ft. of food one piece at a time to commands like “speak” which I expect they will do a lot of.  😊

Currently I only have one dog.  She acts just like a typical dog when I enter the house, by trying to take me out at the knees.  Otherwise, she is useless.  However, if the rest of the family were given a choice between me or the dog, the dog would stay.  Meanwhile my Facebook feed seems to be full of Memes that say “This is the face you make when, . . . “ with a funny picture of a dog.  These Memes are all courtesy of my MAG, reminding me of where I fit in their thinking, i.e. somewhere behind The Jersey Boys.  One does need perspective. 

I tend to share Memes like this one.  😊

Now there are places in Asia where dog is considered a delicacy, so you might think I could compensate for my chicken shortage with dogs.  I suspect the MAG would pass on that option and resort to cannibalism, with me as the protein source, first.  No, we’re dealing with “Rescue Dogs Rock” types.  The Iron Maiden would be too kind for someone who would harm a dog.  Some of these dogs have better medical care than I do!  They certainly sleep more than I do.

We will also need dog BOBs.  Inside the BOB will go dog treats and a squeaky toy.

I am trying to figure out if we are in WROL, do we still need to pick up the dog poop?  I guess with 9 dogs the answer is yes.

Why do Salty and Spice call their pets “The Boys”?  I have no idea.  I think I’ll call mine “Tastes Like Chicken”.  😊

Paranoid Prepper


  1. PP your column is going to the dogs…

    I have a fierce attack Golden Retriever. Beware if you try to enter my house at night, you will probably trip over his sleeping form and break a leg.

  2. I suspect people who can’t feed their dogs will tell themselves lies like ‘He’ll be able to live in the wild!” and ditch them. Those of us out here in the boonies are all too familiar with ‘city people’ dumping their unwanted pets out here based on that hopeful fiction. (Irresponsible country jerks are more likely to dump unwanted pets at shelters it seems; possibly because they’ve seen enough abandoned and starving pets to not be able to tell themselves that lie successfully.) And unsupervised dogs do get *mean* when in groups and especially when underfed; I’ve had troubles with them as a cyclist. Sidearms would not be optional in my view.

  3. Merman’s Prepper To-Do List:
    342. Stockpile cat food
    343. Buy cat crate
    344. Locate source for kitty tranquilizers (preferably ones that will also work for toddlers)
    345. Buy cat leash (like that’s gonna work)

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